As I was walking home that Sunday evening, I felt as if the Earth beneath my feet is nothing but a tiny round particle and I am a giant overlooking at the moon, where other tiny giants like me were walking, directing their heads down the Earth.
They were also upside down, like me. I felt the Gravity disappear, my body became as light as a feather. I felt my feet lifting off the ground. I remembered about levitation, I remember having done it before. Before what, you may ask. Before this lifetime, before this intersection. Most probably before anything else I can recall about my existence here.
I remembered the words of Vejinov, (Pavel Vejinov was the first to write Sci-fi stories in Bulgaria that I know of). My memory flashed back to my early years, I was a young girl reading his books. In one of the stories, he wrote about a young girl that flew from the balcony into the starry sky.
Is there a particular reason I’m remembering this now? Just a few days before I take off on the metal wings of a plane to Geneva, trying to open up a new space in my life. I would live in Switzerland for six months, write as much as I can, finally start publishing on svetlina.org and enjoy the silence of the peaceful lake in Neuchâtel. Visit France, since it is so incredibly close, it’s almost a crime if I didn’t.
My, oh my. Why is it that I feel suddenly so comfortable now that I am leaving and I feel so pressured to stay when I’m here? What is it with this consciousness of mine, am I seeking an escape or is it just so normal for me to travel anywhere and feel like I’ve always been there within days. Does that make me easily adaptable or am I just a young vagabond woman, running away from her lifelines. My obedient and my rebels side were playing a match of control.
My obedient and my rebels side were playing a match of control. Busted! You’re out. I can’t overthink my actions anymore. I’d rather fall down and get back up a thousand times than feel trapped by my cranium and locked in my mind. Is that even a thing? Let’s go back to that writer… That story was never really a whimsical piece of science fiction. I knew it when I read it – it was a very simple truth. A very simple gift. A very normal thing for me to read. The so-called “alien” in his car, the flying girl – all his words were true. It is both scary and liberating when you realize that all of those books, movies, and songs were transmitting something that is a truth somewhere.
His stories were never really a whimsical piece of science fiction or a wild production of his imagination. You cannot think of anything else if it doesn’t exist in some shape, form, realm, somewhere. I knew it when I read it – it was a very simple truth. A very simple gift. A very normal thing for me to read. The so-called “alien” in his car, the flying girl – all his words were true. It is both scary and liberating when you realize that all of those books, movies, and songs were transmitting something that is a truth somewhere.
I knew it when I read it, it was a very simple truth. A very simple ability of ours. A very normal thing for me to read. We can fly. The so-called “alien” in his car, the girl flying over the balcony – it’s all true. Bend your mind, now. It is both scary and liberating when you realize that all of those books, movies, and songs were transmitting something that is a truth somewhere.
He just had the eyes to see it, therefore it was a very real truth to him.
I was and always have been Home.
But I got it wrong. The home I lived in hadn’t felt like home for a long, long time. I knew no other home would ever be a real home. It would always be a comfortable shell, a temporary piece of matter around me for practical purposes. You need a roof over your head, right? Can you really bear living in the vastness of creation without some false sense of protection?
The Self had left, way back in time, and I was the one trying to catch up, to mend it, to unite myself with myself. I was dreaming of mazes and my consciousness was trying to collect itself – jumping between memories, dreams, meetings, traumas and true gaps of Love in between. My greatest friend and my greatest enemy had to gladly shake hands and hug it out among all the controversy. Let’s end the debate.
I felt safe.
I looked around and with all the violence happening somewhere in the world, I felt incredibly safe. I was protected. Someone was watching over me he was smiling at the little progress I had made. Someone had actually guessed my step and in spite of the fact that I would return in just three weeks to my country, my grandmother would pass away three days after and I would feel back as Point Zero again, someone really tapped me on the shoulder.
For I was not afraid of failure, of doing good or bad, of right or wrong, I was thirsty for the Great Mystery of Life.
I could no longer live within my limitations. I am a Spirit! I am a Soul! I’m not a silent dot somewhere on the map of the world. The key to every possibility is within me. The key to end suffering is to open up the borders of my mind.
I had made it out alive – out of the cubicle of the first part of my life, unforgettable years of challenges beyond imagination. I was out of feeling like a victim like there’s no choice like I had to be obedient and listen to all the voices around. It was far from easy, it was a prison, it was universal freedom, it was abandonment, forgiveness, letting go, it was unthinkable, beyond all belief – Love, it was a loss, a deep fog, it was rebellion and now finally – it was Peace.
The little guardian above me wrote my fortunes had done well.
For 27 years – you will fail, and fail, and fail.
What? What do you mean? I will FAIL? And I wished it myself? That makes no sense!
- Yes, my beloved girl. You will fail repeatedly and you will never ever be satisfied with any of your endeavors. You will fall flat on your knees, knowing every time that you’re limited. You will feel great pain and you will try to remember your true Essence. You will never ever be in love with the world again, for it’s just a simple reflection of my Divinity. You will never ever wish to compete, judge or belittle yourself. You chose to set yourself up for failure and experience what all Human Beings experience but never come out of. I was the one who respected your wish. for your wish, was out of Love for others. You made a choice to enter the Incredible Lightness, the Universal, Divine Love, so I you became Love from the very core of your being. Your Being will open up to receive the Greatest Gifts that were ever known to man, but just a few reach out to receive them. You will help others to recognize Divinity within themselves and stop playing so small. You will know you belong to the great Cosmos and this is your true and only Home. You are not a being of any country, a lover or even a friend. You will understand, this is just the everlasting dance of Life. You will regain Liberty and the Souls you are with will be uplifted by this act. And then, when you know yourself a little better, you will embark on the most incredible journey. Your True Life begins and your False Life ends there. The Written Word will be your sword anywhere you go. You will know your Silence, know your gentleness and you will begin to love every part of your gracious being. You will know with all your mistakes that you are intended to Be. You are and always will be Blessed.
There I was. On the edge of the Earth, soaked in Cosmic glory, feeling like Gaia is so tiny, finally knowing the human Spirit infinite. I was heading somewhere I’ve always been.
Inside, we’re Endless.
*A note to the reader: Dear reader, failure is never ever about losing your job, a house or a friend. Or even about someone passing away. Failure is never missing a deadline or a promotion. Failure is falling away from the Truth, falling from Grace. Do you know who you are? Did you ever meet yourself along the way of to-do lists today? If you did, I hope you understand my story. All my titles, all my promotions, all my well-thought courses, all my clothes, and vacations failed. They were nothing of value for they were all just minor chords in the Song of my Life. They were out there. They passed through me and didn’t say anything about Who I AM. Your Truth never depends on where you live, where you dine, who you are with, where you are photographed and how much you earned. One day and that day is knocking on our door, nobody will even remember this temporary world of objects. In just century or two, everyone will live in Love beyond all matter. Some already do. I wish there’s more of us.
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